So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She bit a glass in half.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
