I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
