a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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