You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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