I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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