ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize