Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
