if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
