my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What a dumb baby whore.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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