WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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