Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he was CRYING into my vagina
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
