mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
