i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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