chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize