I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
