dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
