guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This girl is more easily done than said...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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