dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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