Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
