Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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