i think my tv is drunk
I'm passing your future prison.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
