You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
