Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
