life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
