i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize