I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
