Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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