she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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