I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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