I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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