I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
