I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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