I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
