After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
