i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
