I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Bring me that man meat
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
