You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
