I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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