Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
