i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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