Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
