I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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