so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I could make wine with my vomit
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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