Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
