Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
