Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
