Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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