Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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