i need an iv and a liver transplant
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
