Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
