I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
