I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
