The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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