I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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