My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
The best revenge is premature balding
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
