So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
