Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Randomize
