: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
