I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
