Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
