I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's never too late to be topless.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
