This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
