You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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